10:43 pm... I should be asleep, instead I am sitting in the dark in the common room of Josh's new apartment crying, alone.
Alone, hurt, hurting, I'm wondering why I made this journey, why I came on this trip... I love him, and he loves me, I'm committed to him, and well, he Say's he is committed to me, so why is it then that for the next 13 months he can't even try to stay with me during his graduate program?
It's not me, I've done long distance twice, I know it's not the easiest thing in the world but I also know it can work. He tells me how wonderful I am, tells me he loves me in front of everyone, but I suppose none of that means anything when I actually think about it, I mean how can you be so in love with someone yet because you are scared of failing and so set on doing well at something be willing to hurt that person so terribly and let go of what may be your one shot at true love?
I am not sure I can stay here another week as planned, I had to leave the room, he asked "you're not leaving are you?" he wants me here... he wants me... yet he is forcing me to leave and hurt more than ever, when all I can think is that our time together has made me the happiest person on the East coast, and made me realize that life really is wonderful and full of surprises. Or so I was beginning to think.
He seems to think anything other than just school will get in his way... I'm not sure how I can get in his way from 1,000 miles distance... I am not the type to call and text 1000 times a day for each mile we are apart, I an not crazy, I have done long distance before and deal with it very well, and 1,000 miles is easy compared to what I've done.
This has NOTHING to do with me, it has to do with his insecurities, yet it's killing me, absolutely tearing me apart. He thinks I don't get it and that I don't understand and says I'm making this hard on him, well guess what buddy, you are making this hard it could be so easy. Love this strong is simple, and isn't meant to be messed with or thrown away.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Hello world, care to listen?
First let me say... YUM! another delish meal I have made, in little to no time, from scratch, and it's so good, to bad I'm here eating it alone, I wish I could pass you the plate, whoever you are. What did I make? well haha you see... I had simply had the last piece of gluten free cake at Josh's house this morning after the gym... yes cake after the gym, I know I know! not the way to do it, but it was made just for me, and amazingly well... amazing!
So I eventually came home.. and napped... and I woke up and behold... dinner time... and no one is here... and there is no real food... no eggs.... no meat defrosted... wonderful, pasta it is... and behold again, no pasta sauce...
No biggie I think, I will make a goat cheese vinaigrette... not enough goat cheese to do so... get creative E get creative...
Dash of walnut vinegar, pear infuser vinegar, balsamic vinegar, horse radish, Dijon muster, small jar of tomato paste, salt, peeper, dash of oil, dash of H20, quick moment on the stove and whats left of the goat cheese, one cut up tomato, and POOF! a lovely tomato sauce over gluten free Pennie! SUCCESS! though some sausage or chicken would have gone nicely...
Anyways... on to real life... if I must...?
Let's see... It's been a rough month... I got suspended for a semester for school, yes me, the A/B student, who has never been in trouble for ANYTHING, never had a detention, never does anything wrong, the overachiever, ME!
WHY!?!? because I was forced to take this arbitrary math class, which note, was not a math class, it was a bizarre form of philosophy called logic, let's get that clear NOW. I knew off the bat with my Brain injury it wasn't going to be a good class for me, but the dean didn't give a rat's ass.
I was also going through my divorce, sick, and living between two houses at the time, and working full time... I had tryed to drop this course, they would not let me, so I ended up failing because after doing so poorly at mid-terms and the professor telling me there was no way I could pass, I stopped going, it was ridiculous that they wouldn't let me withdraw, especially since I never wanted to take the class to start, it was like I was set up to fail.
Anyways there is nothing I can do... I applied for another school... but it's cutting it very close so I am taking the semester off, and working, and have decided to road trip to move Josh to school since I was going out to see my friend for a long weekend down where he is going anyways.
Not a week passed before more bad news... my lovely 16 1/2 year old cat walked into the room on a Tuesday night when we were all playing Wii, and I saw it, a giant lump on her chin that had not been there that morning and I knew instantly what it was. By the next morning it had doubled in size, we took her to the vet, and like I thought, it was carcinoma of the jaw, untreatable without removing the jaw... we put her down... the hardest thing I've ever had to do... I held her while she went in piece, and Josh held me.
Other than all that, my aunt is dying of heart failure, I have not been able to sell the horse due to the economy, the house I owned with my ex, well still own it, the bank is taking their sweet time getting back to us with an answer with the short sale and we keep loosing our interested buyers, so bye bye credit.... ugh...
I am going away for a long weekend, I leave Thursday, it can't come soon enough!
So I eventually came home.. and napped... and I woke up and behold... dinner time... and no one is here... and there is no real food... no eggs.... no meat defrosted... wonderful, pasta it is... and behold again, no pasta sauce...
No biggie I think, I will make a goat cheese vinaigrette... not enough goat cheese to do so... get creative E get creative...
Dash of walnut vinegar, pear infuser vinegar, balsamic vinegar, horse radish, Dijon muster, small jar of tomato paste, salt, peeper, dash of oil, dash of H20, quick moment on the stove and whats left of the goat cheese, one cut up tomato, and POOF! a lovely tomato sauce over gluten free Pennie! SUCCESS! though some sausage or chicken would have gone nicely...
Anyways... on to real life... if I must...?
Let's see... It's been a rough month... I got suspended for a semester for school, yes me, the A/B student, who has never been in trouble for ANYTHING, never had a detention, never does anything wrong, the overachiever, ME!
WHY!?!? because I was forced to take this arbitrary math class, which note, was not a math class, it was a bizarre form of philosophy called logic, let's get that clear NOW. I knew off the bat with my Brain injury it wasn't going to be a good class for me, but the dean didn't give a rat's ass.
I was also going through my divorce, sick, and living between two houses at the time, and working full time... I had tryed to drop this course, they would not let me, so I ended up failing because after doing so poorly at mid-terms and the professor telling me there was no way I could pass, I stopped going, it was ridiculous that they wouldn't let me withdraw, especially since I never wanted to take the class to start, it was like I was set up to fail.
Anyways there is nothing I can do... I applied for another school... but it's cutting it very close so I am taking the semester off, and working, and have decided to road trip to move Josh to school since I was going out to see my friend for a long weekend down where he is going anyways.
Not a week passed before more bad news... my lovely 16 1/2 year old cat walked into the room on a Tuesday night when we were all playing Wii, and I saw it, a giant lump on her chin that had not been there that morning and I knew instantly what it was. By the next morning it had doubled in size, we took her to the vet, and like I thought, it was carcinoma of the jaw, untreatable without removing the jaw... we put her down... the hardest thing I've ever had to do... I held her while she went in piece, and Josh held me.
Other than all that, my aunt is dying of heart failure, I have not been able to sell the horse due to the economy, the house I owned with my ex, well still own it, the bank is taking their sweet time getting back to us with an answer with the short sale and we keep loosing our interested buyers, so bye bye credit.... ugh...
I am going away for a long weekend, I leave Thursday, it can't come soon enough!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Rain... You Make Things Worse
The lady didn't come today... it rained and rained, then rained some more... I have a bit of interest in him from a few others, so I'm hoping something happens as much as it's killing me... because...
A) I've already been distancing myself
B) I'm already depressed over the situation
I was up most of last night crying, because I realized this time, this was it, I have no choice but to sell... then thinking about him and everything he means to me and what I've been through with him... and how much of my heart that horse has.
Today was exhausting, work dragged on, I was just thinking about him, wondering when the lady would call or if she would in the rain to try him... but the rain was bad... and she's a vet so her schedule is crazy...
I came home and passed out for a while... I wish Jesh was here to cuddle tonight.. we had plans then he kinda decided he was going to play poker and that was that... so OK... that's usually fine with me... but tonight... I REALLY just want to cuddle... no such luck... I'm on my own.
Anyways... back to try and sleep I guess... hopefully no night mares of wierd dreams... just blank REM sleep would be great tonight.
A) I've already been distancing myself
B) I'm already depressed over the situation
I was up most of last night crying, because I realized this time, this was it, I have no choice but to sell... then thinking about him and everything he means to me and what I've been through with him... and how much of my heart that horse has.
Today was exhausting, work dragged on, I was just thinking about him, wondering when the lady would call or if she would in the rain to try him... but the rain was bad... and she's a vet so her schedule is crazy...
I came home and passed out for a while... I wish Jesh was here to cuddle tonight.. we had plans then he kinda decided he was going to play poker and that was that... so OK... that's usually fine with me... but tonight... I REALLY just want to cuddle... no such luck... I'm on my own.
Anyways... back to try and sleep I guess... hopefully no night mares of wierd dreams... just blank REM sleep would be great tonight.
Monday, July 20, 2009
On selling a horse
I knew goodbye would be hard, but I'm not even there yet. I haven't even sold Gemini yet, but tonight, just talking to this potential buyer made me all of a sudden break down and ball my eyes out.
Unless you have had a horse, actually owned one for as long as I have, and had that connection, then you can't understand the bond, and the things I am feeling. Since my horse was 3 I have had him, trained him, been with him.
Together we have grown, competed together, been through break ups, deaths, illnesses, injuries... the ups and downs of life... and now... because I can't afford it... because I don't have all the time I had before... because the divorce screwed me a bit financially... because of this, that and the other... I am forced to sell... the biggest piece of my heart..
Unless you have had a horse, actually owned one for as long as I have, and had that connection, then you can't understand the bond, and the things I am feeling. Since my horse was 3 I have had him, trained him, been with him.
Together we have grown, competed together, been through break ups, deaths, illnesses, injuries... the ups and downs of life... and now... because I can't afford it... because I don't have all the time I had before... because the divorce screwed me a bit financially... because of this, that and the other... I am forced to sell... the biggest piece of my heart..
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
First of all... where is the sun? it's summer isn't it? I haven't seen the sun in weeks, it really would be nice... even if it only came out on Tuesdays... my day off... ha ha... I'd like to go to the beach... at least once?!
Now that I got that out of my system... I'd like to congratulate my best friend in the entire world on her fantastic news, that her baby will not be born with downs, it WILL be healthy, I LOVE YOU DEAR, and I'm always here for you!!! it was wonderful spending the day with you, hang in there, call whenever, you are amazing!
Summer classes- I got A's in two of them, the third ends on Aug 3rd, and I am so ready to be done with it!!! ugh
Work- I am working two jobs, but I want to quit one, my boss is becoming more and more of an egotistical ass who treats me like shit, though I could run his business and he talks of me taking over one day, everyone else has more hours now, thought a few months ago I worked the most other than him.. I am underpaid and not at all respected...
On relationships-I have started weeding out friends, figuring out who is worth my time, and who uses me, and who basically sucks...
The man I have been seeing for almost 3 months now is absolutely amazing... and I hate to say it but I am seriously falling... in love... I wont tell him... for two reasons... I don't want to know if he doesn't feel the same... and I don't know if I am ready for that word to be out there again, once it is things change... I mean... should I? and if not... how long should I wait if it's how I feel? he moves in Sept to FL but we plan on making it work... he has never been in a long distance relationship before, but I have, twice... and they were both 4 to 6 year relationships, but we really want it to work... any advice?? no one has ever treated me this well or made me feel this way...
Now that I got that out of my system... I'd like to congratulate my best friend in the entire world on her fantastic news, that her baby will not be born with downs, it WILL be healthy, I LOVE YOU DEAR, and I'm always here for you!!! it was wonderful spending the day with you, hang in there, call whenever, you are amazing!
Summer classes- I got A's in two of them, the third ends on Aug 3rd, and I am so ready to be done with it!!! ugh
Work- I am working two jobs, but I want to quit one, my boss is becoming more and more of an egotistical ass who treats me like shit, though I could run his business and he talks of me taking over one day, everyone else has more hours now, thought a few months ago I worked the most other than him.. I am underpaid and not at all respected...
On relationships-I have started weeding out friends, figuring out who is worth my time, and who uses me, and who basically sucks...
The man I have been seeing for almost 3 months now is absolutely amazing... and I hate to say it but I am seriously falling... in love... I wont tell him... for two reasons... I don't want to know if he doesn't feel the same... and I don't know if I am ready for that word to be out there again, once it is things change... I mean... should I? and if not... how long should I wait if it's how I feel? he moves in Sept to FL but we plan on making it work... he has never been in a long distance relationship before, but I have, twice... and they were both 4 to 6 year relationships, but we really want it to work... any advice?? no one has ever treated me this well or made me feel this way...
Monday, June 15, 2009
Driving myself batty
So, i'm not sure what is wrong with me, but for a few weks now i've had this sad feeling, I can't get rid of, I don't know what it even is... but it wont go away, sometimes I just want to curl up and cry, but I don't allow myself to do so.
I wish I could figure it out, but there really is no apparent reason for the way I am feeling... and I know people pick up on it, because it changes me... maybe it's partly the wall I've put up.. maybe it's all the rain and miserable weather, or maybe I'm just crazy.
I know last night I couldn't sleep, I'm worrying about something silly... his best friend... female, who comes home this week... I know she is worried about me and thinks she wont get to see him, but to me that's strange as shes not been living here or in the picture...
I guess I worry that like in the movies he will realize she's the one he wants to be with, I went to HS with her and while I don't "know" her those who do just tell me how nice she is... he's excited for her to come home and to see her... I just don't know if I can hide being jealous and worried, but I don't think its wise to say anything.... not with everything else I am feeling for him...
Honestly I'm so happy I met him, and he makes me so happy... I think I'm so scared to loose that or eff it up I'm driving myself batty.
I wish I could figure it out, but there really is no apparent reason for the way I am feeling... and I know people pick up on it, because it changes me... maybe it's partly the wall I've put up.. maybe it's all the rain and miserable weather, or maybe I'm just crazy.
I know last night I couldn't sleep, I'm worrying about something silly... his best friend... female, who comes home this week... I know she is worried about me and thinks she wont get to see him, but to me that's strange as shes not been living here or in the picture...
I guess I worry that like in the movies he will realize she's the one he wants to be with, I went to HS with her and while I don't "know" her those who do just tell me how nice she is... he's excited for her to come home and to see her... I just don't know if I can hide being jealous and worried, but I don't think its wise to say anything.... not with everything else I am feeling for him...
Honestly I'm so happy I met him, and he makes me so happy... I think I'm so scared to loose that or eff it up I'm driving myself batty.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
So much has been going on I can hardly keep up... I don't know where to start, but I feel as if i'm loosing control. I'm putting up walls as to not let people in past a certian point, to protect my heart I suppose... tonight for the first time since January I cried, and I cried hard, I don't even know why, maybe all the stress of life maybe to much time to think, maybe finally being happy, but being to scared to take the wall down to let love in I don't know...
I'm sure he think's i'm crazy now... I am aren't I... I don't know... I just want to keep crying and as I hold the rest of the tears back I feel my body start to overheat...
I should explain better, but my mind can not fully comprehend at this moment, so another day, another day I will explain...for now... here come the tears and hopefully sleep to follow...
I'm sure he think's i'm crazy now... I am aren't I... I don't know... I just want to keep crying and as I hold the rest of the tears back I feel my body start to overheat...
I should explain better, but my mind can not fully comprehend at this moment, so another day, another day I will explain...for now... here come the tears and hopefully sleep to follow...
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